Much of the September 25th workshop (Sex, Gender, & Orientation by Daniel Bahner from Keshet) was spent talking about definitions. You might not think that would be so interesting but it was. It was thought-provoking and mind-changing.
There’s a theory in linguistics – the Whorfian Hypothesis, also called linguistic relativism– that claims that the categories and usage patterns of our language influence our thoughts, feelings, and decisions. An implication of this theory is that our thoughts, feelings, and decisions can, therefore, be influenced by changing the way we use our language.
And so much of the workshop was devoted to the way we use words to talk about sex, gender, and orientation.
What do these words mean?
Sex is anatomical and functional. Each of us is assigned a sex label based on our primary and secondary sexual characteristics.
Gender identity is psychological – how each person identifies themself. But it also encompasses how each person is perceived and categorized by others, by societal norms and expectations. And different societies may have different expectations and constraints on the roles allowed and assigned to each gender.
Orientation is both psychological and physiological – the physical, emotional, and romantic attraction one experiences towards other individuals.
We assume that sex is binary – male or female. But it is not. Rather these are endpoints on a continuum. Not everyone is born with clearly distinct sexual characteristics – a person may be born with ambiguous genitalia, for instance – or there may be an apparent mismatch between genitals and secondary sex characteristics such as breasts or facial hair. Thus trying to categorize everyone as male or female excludes individuals with different anatomy (referred to as intersex).
We also think of gender identity as binary and aligned with sex – that boys/men have male sexual characteristics and girls/women have female sexual characteristics. But it doesn’t always work out that way. There are people who are not comfortable with a gender identity based on the sex they were born with (transgender). Nor are people always at peace with the gender roles that societies assigns to them.
We think of orientation as binary – that heterosexuals are attracted to the opposite sex and gender; homosexuals to the same sex and gender. It doesn’t work that way and cannot, given that sex and gender are not binary.
This is hard stuff to take in. It defies categorization as either-or.
Guarding our use of language (sh’mirat halashon) is an important Jewish value. What we say about others affects them in ways they we cannot predict. It also affects how we see them.
This was brought home to me most forcefully when Daniel talked about pronouns. Pronouns are inherently binary: male versus female – he, she; singular versus plural – (s)he, they; included versus excluded – we/us, they/them. An important way to respect people who are transgender is to refer to them in the way they choose – some people may prefer to be referred to with a gender neutral pronoun such as ze (pronounced zee) or they/them or to be referred to by name rather than with a pronoun.
The workshop began and ended with personal stories about being Jewish and gay. Daniel felt excluded as a gay man by the Jewish as well as larger community and for a long time turned away from Judaism. He is now working for a Jewish organization devoted to achieving full LGBTQ inclusion in Jewish life. We spoke to Daniel after the workshop and shared with him Lou’s nephew Michael’s story – Lou’s sister arranged for Michael to go to a performing arts school where he would be accepted – Daniel commented that he wished that someone had done that for him. Daniel is rightly proud of the work he is doing for social justice but he seems also aware that his life choices were constrained by his earlier lack of acceptance by the Jewish community.
The workshop started with Ben, also a gay man. His realization that he was gay (around age 12) occurred as he was reading the Haftarah Machar Chodesh – Samuel 20:18-42, read whenever Shabbat falls the day before Rosh Chodesh (the new month) – which tells of the love between two men. Ben’s experience has been one of acceptance – by his family, at Hillel, and now as a student in List College – a joint program between Columbia University and the Jewish Theological Seminary. But while Ben feels generally accepted, one of Ben’s teachers is Rabbi Joel Roth, who is opposed to same-sex marriage and ordination of homosexuals and favors a prohibition against homosexual behavior. The class is an elective and, in spite of Rabbi’s Roth’s views, Ben did not want to pass up the opportunity to study with one of the major thinkers in the Conservative movement and Ben has never felt unwelcome in the class.
The workshop ended with general guidelines for fostering LGBTQ inclusion: True inclusion starts from understanding that gender and sexuality are part of a continuum rather than binary. Working to ensure LGBTQ inclusion is consistent with Jewish values – kavod (respect), v’ahavta l’reaicha kamocha (love your neighbor as yourself), b’tzelem Elohim (in God’s image), kol Yisrael arevim zeh bazeh (communal responsibility), al tifrosh min hatsibur (solidarity). The best way to support LGBTQ people is to support and affirm all aspects of their identity.
I am proud to be part of a community that is striving to accept and include everyone. As President Fern said in her Rosh Hashanah remarks, this is a work in progress.
L’shanah tovah,
Sarita
Image used with permission via Creative Commons License
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Amen ve amen!!
This was an extremely useful and meaningful workshop. Sarita has done a great job in describing some of the issues discussed. I am grateful to Rabbi Greenstein for making this event possible and wholeheartedly agree with Sarita – I am very proud to belong to a community that strives to include and accept everyone.
Thanks Sarita, for a great article and for letting those people who were not at the event, get some sense of what it was all about!