My Facebook feed is cluttered with parenting articles stressing the importance of setting limits for your children. As a preschool director and a parent too, I view this topic through several lenses.
For me, setting limits with my children is done quite naturally through a Jewish lens. My 4 year-old and I often go to the supermarket together, and he is drawn to every cookie and sweet we pass in the aisles. While I also have an extreme fondness for sweets, we typically save “special treats” for Shabbat. I began discouraging his requests to add treats to our cart by pointing out that not all foods at the supermarket are kosher.
My parenting style and experience as an educator have taught me to address my children (and students) with empathy, before setting a kind, but firm limit. The conversation in the supermarket goes something like this:
Son: “Yum, COOKIES!” (Hastily grabs a box and tosses it in the cart.)
Me: “Wow, those sure do look delicious! I bet you could eat 100 of them!”
Son: “Yeah!!” (Licks his lips.)
Me: “I know how much you would love for us to buy them, but unfortunately those cookies are not kosher (or too expensive…or too sugary… or…insert your limit here). The rule is we can only buy kosher cookies and, if we do, we will enjoy them as a treat on Shabbat.”
At this point, I would kindly place the box back on the shelf and either find suitable cookies together or move on to the next item on our shopping list. My son has taken an interest in knowing “how” things are kosher, so we now play a game where we locate the kosher symbol on packages. It is so important for children to understand the “why” behind your “no.”
As a parent, I find Jewish tradition offers ample opportunities for teaching restraint, thankfulness and mindfulness. I fully believe that setting limits can manifest itself in so many ways: children as young as one can learn to say a blessing over their grape juice before they gulp it down. As they grow older, you can teach the value of thanking God for providing us with delicious food and drink and elevating a mundane moment into something holy.
I am also thankful that the rhythm of Jewish life also enables us to set limits. My children understand that during the week, my husband and I go to work and they go to school. On Friday evening, the frenetic pace of our week slows. We often celebrate the arrival of Shabbat with friends, a special challah, and time to relax and even stay up a little later than usual. On Saturdays, we go to shul in the morning and nap and/or play the afternoon away. My children appreciate that Shabbat is a time for relaxation, friends, and family.
Boundaries might seem confining to some, but children actually are comforted when they know their parents have laid out kind, yet firm limits. Determine your family values. How will Judaism play a role? What goals do you have for your children? I hope the beauty of our tradition will complement your ability to set limits as a parent and enable your children to thrive.
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